When Ethics Cost You: Standing Firm in a World of Excuses

If you and I have never had a Life-Death-and-the-Universe discussion all night about Acquisition, ethics, and/or the law, consider this article a taste.  There are a few things in life and business that really bother me, and I wish they bothered more people.  It’s about principles, and the key to knowing whether you or someone else follows the principles you think … is consistency.  

NOTE: For what it’s worth, I wrote this article in early January 2025 and scheduled it to publish weeks later because I didn’t want the breaking news about a certain literary celebrity to distract from the message. The timing to publish this as originally written just isn’t getting any better, but as I say here, who I am is still the same.

For decades, I had a reputation for being a “Renegade” Contracting Officer. Some people used that term with delight and others with disdain. “Renegade” simply meant that I used all the tools available to me to get the job done, not just the usual tools that were sometimes too slow and sometimes the wrong tool for that particular buy. My solutions were often creative but always legal.  Because they were creative and some Program Managers weren’t familiar with them, I would occasionally have PMs show up in my office to ask me to do something that was blatantly illegal and/or outside my ethics.  Those PMs would get tossed out, especially if I could give them 8 (the number was always 8, for some reason) legal and ethical strategies to get what they needed, but no, they’d already done something improper that I wasn’t going to paper over for them. 

And they couldn’t make me. There were times when I worried about getting fired and not being able to pay the mortgage or feed the kids. More often, I worried about not getting promoted or being otherwise punished for not being a “team player.”  That threat did happen multiple times, and my contract law chief always had my back, so I missed some promotions, but I didn’t get either fired or forced to comply. I believe “obstinate” was used a few times, but “door mat” was not.

More than once, my DoD attorneys joked that if I couldn’t find a way to buy something, then it must be illegal because I was creative enough to bend the Federal Acquisition Regulation (FAR) to my will without breaking any rules. It was a line I just would not step over; however, if PMs brought me into acquisition planning early, no one had to consider stepping over a line. 

Some PMs assumed I’d be an easy mark—until they realized I wasn’t. When that happened, they went ‘Contracting Officer shopping’ for someone who would sign what I refused to. Sadly, I saw a lot of colleagues look the other way (or in several cases, actually plug their ears with their fingers and say, “Don’t tell me anything more or I can’t sign it!”).  They would try to justify it to me privately that they needed that promised promotion and pay raise for the sake of their “high 3” calculation for their pensions. Yeah, whatever. Didn’t we all?  I instantly lost respect for them and not so instantly watched over the next months as they didn’t get the promotion they’d been promised. Some got laid off, RIF’ed, or forced out. 

Let’s back up to why I lost respect for these Contracting Officers who maintained in times of no risk that they held the highest principles and said “No!” a whole bunch. And then did cartwheels to defend caving in.

If you truly hold to your principles, then they apply to everyone, not just your favorites or your enemies, depending on the principle. In my opinion, anyway.

I’ve been thinking on this a lot recently because, yet again, one of my favorite creators has failed me. I cannot separate my love for their art from the creator, whose actions repeatedly violate my sense of ethics. If I hated their art or already disliked the person, I wouldn’t be so bothered. That would be an easy rejection of their work and possibly everything they stand for.

Around ten years ago, the same thing happened with my all-time favorite author who wrote my all-time favorite novel that had had a significant impact on my life back in college. Although the book had a huge positive impact on me in my early 20’s, I now re-read that book and read all the others by this author through the lens of what I have discovered about them.  Yes, people have flaws.  People make mistakes. But this author crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed for me, namely their assault of children, which is always going to be a deal-breaker for me, no matter who you are.  Always. There are certain passages in their books that hit different now.

I’ve been told repeatedly that I can love the creation and hate the creator, and just to separate it out and keep buying their creations.  But I can’t.  Maybe that’s because as a writer myself, I put a lot of my own self into my books. I think it’s the same for artists, authors, musicians, but probably outside of the arts, too.  In any case, I just can’t support  someone who steps over certain lines, no matter how much I have adored their work, related or unrelated to what I find offensive.

At the same time, I see their fans try to defend them to me.   They will say they stand on a particular principle and be ready to cancel creators they don’t like, but if they’re a fan?  Then they make excuses or look the other way.

I don’t.  That artist, author, musician, business leader, etc., who crosses that line is dead to me and I’ll never support them again in any fashion.  Yes, people can change, but I don’t have to support them, even if they do. In that, I am consistent. It doesn’t matter how much of a fan I am, if you cross a certain line, I am done with you.

Not that I haven’t made excuses for some people in the past.  When it came to potential romantic partners, I could make excuses for them like nobody’s business. I told myself I was being compassionate, but I was really just enabling more bad behavior.  A few years back, I decided to stop that.  If I caught myself making excuses for someone, I shut down that relationship instantly. My excuses didn’t make them better people, and my tolerance just reinforced more shoddy behavior.  I’m a lot happier, too, not having people like that influence my life.

The same principles apply whether we’re talking about an artist, a friend, or a political leader. The excuses people make are different, but the underlying ethical dilemma is the same.

I see a lot of excuse-making when it comes to political parties. Religion, too. All parties, all religions. Most people can agree that certain things are wrong, but they will defend to the bitter end the party or person they like and demonize the one they don’t.  This bugs the daylights out of me because to me, it’s still wrong, no matter who’s doing it.  If I like the religious leader or political leader, and they step over a certain ethical or legal line, then I’m done with them.  Just done.  Nothing they can say or do matters if they violate the principles I claim to live by. 

My friends would be shocked to know that some very well-known political leaders I now can’t abide once had my full support.   One, I helped get his first speaking gigs when he was newly running for office.  Another, I was one of the five people (three if you didn’t count the cleaning crew) who attended his first rally in my area.  But somewhere along the way, both of them crossed a line I could not follow.

Some people don’t believe me when I say that I can walk away from supporting someone I like and only hold accountable someone I don’t, but I’ve turned in two friends who crossed a national security line and were stupid enough to put me in the position of covering for them or standing on my principles. It was the right thing to do, and I really didn’t feel I had a choice.  

It’s easy if you dislike someone for whatever reason. To point to your principles and say, “Hey, they don’t measure up! They’re not a good person!” None of that is easy when you really like a person who crosses your ethical boundaries. 

But are your principles really that principled if they apply only according to your affections?

What works for me, to stay consistent and do my best to live my principles:

1. Am I making excuses for this person, even when they haven’t asked me to?  Often that’s accompanied by the realization that the person isn’t making excuses for bad behavior, but that I’m condoning it without realizing it.
2. If my worst enemy did the same as my bestie, would I be okay with it?  If my worst enemy just crossed a line that’s a deal-breaker for me, am I okay with my best friend doing the same thing?

Ultimately, principles mean nothing if they only apply when it’s easy, convenient, or socially acceptable. In my opinion, at least. The real test of integrity isn’t in holding others accountable—it’s in holding ourselves accountable, even when it costs us something.

Whether in business, personal relationships, or public life, our values are only as strong as our willingness to stand by them when it’s difficult. I’ve lost promotions, friendships, and favorite artists over my refusal to compromise on ethics, but I haven’t lost myself in many, many years. That, to me, is worth more than any fleeting loyalty to a person who crossed a line. If we truly believe in something, we should be prepared to act on it—no exceptions, no excuses, no matter who it is.

At the end of the day, integrity isn’t about what we say—it’s about what we do when it costs us something. And if principles only apply when they’re easy, they’re not really principles at all.